


Breaking Free

by BlackBurden



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU/Alternate Universe, Cutting, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, highschool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-24 05:02:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/935698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackBurden/pseuds/BlackBurden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loneliness is your friend. It's always with you, like a loyal companion. If only the air it brought was not so grim. Sometimes you feel like you're suffocating, and other times you feel like you're drowning. Believe it or not, there is a difference.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> MEGA NOTE: NOT TANADIN APPROVED!
> 
> BUT TOTALLY DANNA APPROVED!
> 
> Note:
> 
> \- There will be a BONUS chapter in this, with sex. I'm labeling it BONUS for my younger friends who now know to skip it if they do not wish to read it.  
> \- This IS DirkJake  
> \- This was originally inspired by the song King by Lauren Aquilina.  
> \- Dave and Dirk's bro is Alpha!Dave, because he needs some love.  
> \- There may be mentions of drug use.

You stare at your reflection in the mirror. The background beyond your image is black, but when you look over your shoulder you see the white tiles of the bathroom wall. Orange eyes turn back to the mirror, staring at yourself.

You feel old, and above all else, tired. It's been a long time since you felt any semblance of happiness. When you close your eyes, you wish you would feel calm, and see smiles and bright colors. But it's just as dark as you feel.

Loneliness is your friend. It's always with you, like a loyal companion. If only the air it brought was not so grim. Sometimes you feel like you're suffocating, and other times you feel like you're drowning. Believe it or not, there is a difference.

Tired of seeing that darkness, you let your gaze drop to the sink, seeing the spots of red against the alabaster bowl. For a moment you wonder if they're really there, but a slight sting convinces you otherwise. Surprised, you open your hand, revealing both the razor and the long gash across your palm.

You should have been concerned, but all you can do is stare at the crimson life-liquid that's seeping from your veins. Suddenly you wonder if it's normal for a wound to feel more relieving than painful, but before you can decide there's a knocking at the door.

"Yo, Dirk, you've been in there for almost half an hour! We're gonna miss the bus if you don't hurry up, bro!" Your brother's voice is slightly muffled by the wood between you, but it's enough to make you snap out of it and jerk into action.

"Be right out!" You call, reaching into the cabinet behind the mirror and grabbing the roll of bandages your older brother insisted be kept around in case you or Dave got hurt. You were a tough bunch, and often times Dave liked to push you to the point where the two of you wrestled. Despite that, you were a close family.

And you knew that if they were aware of what you were doing to yourself, they'd never let you hear the end of it, on top of therapy and possibly hospitalization.

You stare a moment longer at the blood that's starting to clot against your palm before wrapping a few layers of bandage around your hand. The wound hidden, you pull your black gloves on before setting the bandages back in their spot and heading for the door.

Taking a deep breath at the door, you reach for the knob and pull it open.

You brother is waiting for you by the front door. You offer a quick apology before slipping your shoes on and throwing your backpack over your shoulder. The two of you head out of the apartment building to wait on the sidewalk, and not a moment too soon as the bus arrives before you get even reach the concrete path.

There are 'ooh's and 'awe's as your brother steps onto the bus first. He winks at the girl sitting on the front seat before continuing on towards the back of the bus where he and his friends hang out. You don't follow, taking a seat in an empty spot and simply leaning to look out the window.

It's cloudy out, matching your mood. But then, is your mood ever any different than this? The answer is no, not really. Sometimes you start to feel happy, and then you remember you don't deserve it. You're alone, mutilated, and the typical 'emo kid', and you know nobody will ever like you for you.

The one time you allowed yourself to have a friend, you quickly found out he was only using you to get to your brother. You quickly ended that. Part of you wanted to ignore the fact that he didn't want to be friends with you so much as your brother and go on believing otherwise. If only to fill the gaping hole of loneliness that filled your heart.

You don't really notice that someone's standing by the seat until you hear them speak.

"Excuse me."

You look up, quickly realizing that you've never seen this kid before. Probably a new student. He's got dorky glasses, buck teeth, and the greenest eyes you've ever seen. You're quiet, waiting for him to go on.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

You admire how he can smile so freely, as if he hadn't a care in the world. You nod, then looked back out the window as he sits by you. You honestly hoped he'd say something to you, anything, but he's quiet the rest of the ride.

.:~:.

There's only one thing you look forward to every Monday, and that's your martial arts class after school. As you're walking down the street after school, you reflect on the day so far.

It was the same as always. Nobody talked to you, and even though your brother tended to keep you close during lunch and breaks, he got all the attention. Because everybody likes the sly, cool kid with the charming grin and mysterious personality. You're usually lucky if you get even a greeting.

You reach the familiar dojo and head inside. Your sensei approaches you and bows in greeting, to which you bow back. It's a sign of respect. And even if you're not necesarily friends, he's still the best you've got. You know you can trust him with anything.

"Greetings, Strider." He says in a voice that always gives you a sense of calm. He knows so much. He's so wise, so at one with the world around him and completely centered. It's for that reason you started coming here. You honestly believed maybe he could teach you a thing or two.

"Hello, Sensei." You say back, setting your backpack by the door. He motions you to follow and you head out to the training room. As you enter the room, the scent of the incense he burns every day hits your nose, and you're even further soothed.

"You appear troubled, Strider. More so than usual."

"I guess I am." You admit, because there's no hiding anything from your sensei.

"Hmm ..." The older man stared at you for a moment before he offered a warm smile and headed across the room to a small table by a window. "Come and sit, and share your worries with me."

You do so, going and sitting down in the seat he offers you. He disappears from the room for a moment into a small but cozy office, and when he returns a few minutes later it's with two cups of tea. You can tell by the smell that it's the kind you like the most, prompting a small smile to cross your otherwise gloomy expression.

He takes his seat, handing you your cup, then sits back. "So, tell me what's on your mind."

You blow on the hot tea before taking a small sip, sighing softly as the warmth makes you feel a little better. "Well, today I was just reminded that nobody really likes me for me. Everyone wants to be friends with my brother instead."

A look of understanding crosses your sensei's face. "Ah, I see. Your unrest is not uncommon. You are often alone, but the question is whether you try to gain friends or not."

"... I guess I don't." You murmured, sipping your tea.

"Dirk," You look at him, because it's not often he calls you by your first name. According to him, saying one's first name is a sign of affection. "Child, you have to realize that not everything in life will come to you. Sometimes you must take charge. Perhaps if you would approach someone, they would want to be in your company. Having the willpower to face your fears and be bold is a strength that does not go unnoticed."

You think bout that for a minute, then nod a little. If only it was as easy as that ... With just about every student in the school striving to be Dave's acquaintance, it's hard to say 'hey, look at me!'. Because, as you already know, nobody wants to be friends with the emo kid who is second best.

.:~:.

Something happened that evening that surprised you. As you and Dave were playing video games and eating pizza, he actually strikes up a conversation with you.

"So, you know that new kid?"

You decide to play dumb, shaking your head, even though you do know who he's talking about. Honestly, you don't want to hear about how yet another kid is falling all over your brother.

"He called me out."

You drop your controller and look at him. What? That was something that rarely occurred, and when it happened, it was big news all over the school. How had you not heard?

"How? Why?" You ask, now rather curious.

"I tried to be friendly towards him, y'know, give him a welcome to the Hellhole, and he told me he wanted nothing to do with me."

You frown. "... Why?"

"He never said." Dave is still playing the game. He hasn't turned to look at you once. You can tell that even though he's playing it off like no big deal, it really does bother him. He's a little spoiled. Gets everything he wants. So when something doesn't go his way he throws a bit of a fit. In a less than obvious kind of way.

"Give him time." You say, because really that's all it'll take. The kid will eventually come around, and Dave will forgive him because he loves the attention.

\---

That night when you're lying in bed, your mind wanders. It's already one in the morning, but you're wide awake. You ponder what your sensei told you, and you think about how the new kid rejected Dave's friendship right off the bat.

You wonder, maybe, if perhaps the kid is as damaged as you. Maybe he's lonely too. You keep trying to tell yourself he doesn't like the spotlight, as some people don't, but as you think more and more ideas come up. Maybe he's a social screw-up. Maybe he's really got it in for popular kids. Maybe he's got some big secret, much like you do.

As your brain finally starts to shut down for the night, you give in. You decide to take your sensei's advice. You decide that tomorrow, you'll talk to the kid.

Who knows, maybe you'll make a friend.


	2. UPDATE/NOTICE

This is just the first friendly update. There won't be many of these, and you can skip over them without missing important information.

But as for right now, here's what I needed to say!

For those waiting for an update on **Breaking Free** , it's coming! I promise! It got busy the last few days and I didn't find time to write, but expect it today or early tomorrow!

Also: So far the odds for the Dave pairing are looking in favor of JohnDave. If you all would like to see a different pairing, please do say so!


	3. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's late, but it's here! Chapter two, everybody!

You get up the next morning feeling pretty pumped. Today you were going to do it. You were going to talk to the new kid. Your older and younger brother both noticed your more lively attitude, Dave even commenting on it.

"What's up, bro? You're acting all kittens and sunshine this morning." He said as the two of you were walking out of the apartment building and heading towards the sidewalk to wait for the bus. You were both shockingly on time today.

You scoff, lightly shoving him. "Fuck off, Dave. I'm allowed to be in a generally good mood, asshole."

The younger's response was only a chuckle. He opened his mouth to respond, but the bus arriving interrupts him as he gets on. As usual, he heads to the back, and you take your usual seat towards the front.

While normally you look out the window, today you're sitting up straight, one leg bouncing a little as you wait nervously for the next stop, when he would get on. You're so nervous that when the bus comes to a stop, you almost jump out of your seat.

You watch the door and the few students piling onto the bus and go rigid when you see him get on last. You're expecting him to sit by you again, but your hopes are crushed when he walks past you and sits with some girl you've seen around.

You sink in defeat, ready to give up. He didn't notice you, and he didn't even stop to acknowledge your existence. He probably doesn't even remember you exist. You sigh, turning to look out the window again.

Well, so much for that.

.:~:.

You don't have him first period. But you have him second. It's hard looking at him, realizing he doesn't care that you're there. Despite that, you find yourself staring at the back of his neck all of second period.

He catches you once about halfway through class. You're staring hard at his neck when he suddenly shifts a little and looks over his shoulder. His eyes lock with yours, but you quickly blink and look down at your textbook as the teacher drones on and on.

After several minutes you chance a look up at him, finding he's facing the front again. And thus the staring continues. You chew your lip a little as a tiny speck of hope flares up in your heart. Just because it didn't work out on the bus doesn't mean it's over, right? You nod a little to yourself. You'll talk to him today. One way or another.

.:~:.

It's lunch time when you try again.

You're not saying you were stalking him, but ...

You were stalking him.

From the moment he got into the cafeteria, you watched him like a hawk, making sure that you ended up behind him in the lunch line. He doesn't even notice you there, as he's instead looking at the menu ahead.

You're fumbling with your hands, trying to summon up the courage to say something. The line's moving along faster than it usually does, and you curse your luck. If you don't say anything before he buys his lunch, your chance is over.

But of course, as fate would have it, just as you're about to open your mouth to speak, a student you know as Roxy comes up and strikes up a conversation with him. You don't know her as a friend, but she has a reputation for being wild at parties. You grit your teeth, more agitated than upset. What were the chances?

Your opportunity ruined, you slip out of the line and sulk away, passing the table your brother always sits at. As per usual, he's got a group of friends and fangirls around him. Hell, he's even got fanBOYS.

As you're almost out of sight, Dave calls you over. You slump a little and trudge back to him. He pats the spot next to him as he scoots over and you give in, sitting next to him.

You know he's trying to include you, but you don't even get a greeting as everyone goes back to fawning over him. Occasionally Dave tries to strike up conversation with you, but you're not in the best of moods so you just shrug, nod, or shake your head.

You don't want to be here, but where else can you go? At least you've got your brother here.

.:~:.

Fifth period you share with him again. This time, you only toss miserable glances at him every now and then. He sits right beside you, but he never once looks at you. You're done. You've given up. At this rate you'll never get to talk to him.

The class is almost over and the teacher is letting your class work on the homework she'd assigned when a flash of white catches your eyes and you look down at your desk. There's a neatly folded piece of paper sitting on the corner. You stare at it, then look up at the new kid, who is staring ahead. He turns his head in a casual way after a moment, looking at you and then at the note.

It's ... from him?

Curious, you grab the note and unfold it carefully to avoid noise, seeing green text on it. It's a color you decide you like before really focusing on the words.

'Do you want something from me? You've been following me and looking at me all day.'

You swallow hard, suddenly incredibly nervous. But it was this nervous attitude that's kept you from talking to him so far. So, taking a breath, you grab your orange marker and write a response.

'No. I've just been trying to get you to notice me.'

You fold up the paper and reach over, placing it on the other's desk. He's calm and natural about picking it up and reading it. You can't look at him after that. You're terrified he's going to scoff and stop talking to you. To try and distract yourself, you look out the window next to you, focusing on a bird in the nearby tree.

The white flash makes your heart leap as you realize he answered. He answered you! You practically jump to open the note and read what he said.

'Oh! Well why didn't you just say something?'

You're quick to write a response back, knowing that you've only got a few minutes left before class is over.

'I'm not very good at talking to people.'

This time after you hand it back you decide to get a head-start on your homework rather than panic. Soon the little piece of paper comes back to you again.

'I'm sorry. That must be terrible. My name's Jake, by the way.'

'Dirk.'

'Nice to meet you, Dirk. Do you think maybe after class we could quit this note-writing thing and actually talk?'

'I suppose we could try. But I'm warning you. I'm really bad at it. I don't have any friends, so talking to people is one of my least developed skills.'

'That's fine.'

He doesn't respond after that. That's alright though, since there's only two minutes until the bell. You busy yourself with putting your things into your backpack, and once the bell rings you get to your feet so fast that you accidentally bump into him as he gets up.

"Shit, sorry!" You exclaim on impulse. He offers you a little smile.

"It's no problem. Come on. We've got to take the bus home, right?"

You nod slowly. "Yeah." You say, and you follow after him as he leaves the class. Neither of you actually say anything as you head down to the bus pad. You're beginning to worry that maybe he's changed his mind, but you're reassured when he invites you to sit with him. You do.

"So, Dirk, right?" He asks, and you nod.

"Uh-huh."

"Have you been here in Texas all your life?"

"Yeah. Me and my brother." You hate having to speak up to be heard over the roar of the bus and the students on it, but you're glad to at least be talking to someone for the first time in ages.

"How come you don't have a Texan accent?"

"I hide it."

"Why? I think Texan accents are cool."

You stutter for a minute, then regain composure. "I'll have to dig it up sometime then, won't I?"

He grins. "Yeah!"

You spend the rest of the ride talking about little things. Your favorite colors, his is green, your favorite type of music, his is rock, favorite type of movies, and boy does he have a weird mix for that one.

You're sad when the bus arrives at his stop. You get up to let him out, and he promises you you'll sit together tomorrow. Reassured, you wave goodbye and sit back down. There's a small smile on your face.

You managed to make a friend today.

.:~:.

Turns out Dave went to one of his friend's house's for the night. You're okay with that. You're sitting in the kitchen, doing your homework, when a hand falls on your shoulder. You jump a little, looking up to see your older brother looking down at you.

"You? Doing homework? What's up with that?" He asks as he steps away and heads to the fridge, probably to start dinner.

You try not to smile as you remember how good your day's been. "I had a good day."

"That's a shocker. I rarely see you out of your room anymore, least of all hear that you've had a good day." He says as you watch him take out a package of hamburger. Yes! Hamburgers!

You shrug. "I made a friend." You admit.

"Really?" He actually turns to look at you as he's opening the package of meat. "Tell me about all about it. Guy? Girl?"

"Guy. His name's Jake. Well, I was actually trying to get him to notice me all day, but that didn't work. Turns out he was the one to strike up a conversation first though, in last period." You tell your brother a little more excited than you would like.

"Wow. I'm glad things worked out for you, champ." Your brother says as you scribble down the last answer of your math homework. You snap the book shut, getting up.

"Thanks, Derrick. I'm gonna go play some video games. Give a holler when dinner's ready."

"Sure thing, champ."

You could have skipped from the room if that wasn't so lame. Instead you head out to the living room, turning on the TV and starting up your old Playstation.

It had really been a good day.


	4. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's waaay late but I wrote this today in one sitting, and about 3/4 of the next chapter is done~! Expect it soon!

The next morning, you get up in a less than great mood. You feel entirely too shitty, and you aren't sure why. You wake up naturally at six in the morning groaning as you literally roll out of bed.

You go to the bathroom, quickly emptying your bladder. As you're washing your hands, you stare at your reflection in the mirror, noting dark circles under your eyes from a fitful sleep. With a small yawn, you turn off the water. That's when you hesitate. Your heart hurts, but you're not sure why. Whatever the reason, it has your hand reaching into the cupboard behind the mirror and digging out the small razor you keep hidden under a bottle.

It's so inviting, and you can't stop yourself from raising your left hand and peeling the old bandages off. You stare at the healing line on your palm, then flip your hand over and draw the blade across the back of it, wincing a little at the sting that accompanies it. For a moment you stare at the blood, but then you close your eyes and suddenly you feel a little better.

You cut a few more lines into your skin on the back of your hand before finally cleaning the razor, then hiding it again. Your hand is still bleeding when you move to take a shower. The water isn't even warm before you step in, holding your hand close to your chest and watching as the water washed away the blood that kept coming to your skin.

Finally, the water heats up. You stand there for maybe forty-five minutes, enjoying the feel of the hot water on the back of your neck. At some point, your hand stopped bleeding, too.

When you get out, after quickly washing up, you're sure to wrap bandages around your hand. With a towel around your waist, you exit the bathroom and head back to your room to throw some clothes on.

As usual, you wear all black, a short-sleeved shirt and some pants. You almost never wear shorts. You tug your gloves onto your hands, concealing the bandages of your left.

By the time you've eaten breakfast, just a piece of toast, Dave's up and in the bathroom, messing with his hair. You go up, leaning against the open door as he's picking at his bangs, which seem to not want to go right today.

"Sometimes I think you're so gay you'd pass for a girl." You comment. He jumps, having not noticed you there, but then he gives you a glare, not wearing his shades yet. His bright red eyes narrow on you.

"Oh fuck off, Dirk. Just because some of us take pride in our appearance doesn't mean we're gay!"

"You are gay though." You chuckle. "You told me, remember?"

"Well at least I HAVE a sexual orientation! When I asked you all you could give me was a shrug!" Dave grabbed a comb, shaking it in his fist as if it were a trusty sword. You roll your eyes.

"Uh-huh. Sure, Princess. Don't take too long fixing your 'do or we'll miss the bus."

You leave him be then, listening as he grumbles irritably. Jeeze, you're not the only one who woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

.:~:.

You had been hoping your sour mood would lift once you got on the bus, but it didn't. Instead, the chatter quickly got to you, making you agitated. Not even Jake getting on and coming to sit with you cheered you up.

"Morning!" He says in greeting as he plops down next to you.

"Morning." You grumble back, glancing at him before looking out the window again. You just want to go back to bed ...

"Dirk? Is something wrong?" Wow, your usual expressionless face must really be slipping today if he noticed you were in a bad mood.

You shrug. "I guess I'm just off today." You tell him. Because what else are you supposed to say? That you feel heavy? That you're tired? That you want to go back home, sit in the tub, and cut yourself until you can't feel the shittyness anymore?

A hand on your shoulder makes you look over at him, surprised at how concerned he looked. You'd only known him for a day, and talked to him less than an hour. He was acting like you were best friends. But then, you wouldn't know what that's like, since you've never had a best friend. Did people normally get this close this fast?

"You wanna talk about it?"

For a second, you consider telling him. You consider telling him about your cutting, about your loneliness, about Dave. But fear strikes you. If he finds out about Dave ... will he stop being your friend? You quickly shake your head, swallowing nervously.

"No. It-It's nothing, really. I just didn't sleep well last night." You tell him.

"Well okay. I'll listen if you change your mind." And then he changes the topic, telling you about a movie he saw yesterday. You're listening, but your eyes are glued out the window. When the bus is almost to school, Jake finally goes quiet. You look at him, surprised. He'd proved to be a chatter box.

"How come you're quiet now?"

"I don't mean to annoy you." He says, and you stare. What?

"Annoy me?"

"You haven't said a word, or even looked at me. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not annoyed at all ... I'm just not used to someone talking so much."

"Are you sure?" He looked concerned.

"Yeah. I told you I'm bad at talking to people."

You give him a small smile for good measure. He seems reassured, but you don't get to talk much more as the bus stops and everyone starts filing out. You wave your goodbyes before entering your separate classes, where you go and take your seat.

The bell rings.

.:~:.

You and Jake are heading down the hallway to the cafeteria. He's chattering on about his day so far, and you're listening, nodding every now and then. When you get to the large lunch room, you take a seat at an empty table. Jake's eating some kind of sandwich, and you're not eating anything.

"Don't you get hungry?" Jake asks as he finished his dinner.

You shrug. "Nah, not really."

"Well okay then."

Just then, two girls walkup, giggling to each other. One of them is Roxy, the other you're unsure of. "Hi, Jake~" The unknown girl says in a sing-sing voice. It really kind of irritates you.

"Oh, hello Jane, and Roxy!" Jake greets them brightly. "What's up, gals?"

Jane giggles again. Why does she do that? It's so obnoxious. "We just wanted to say hello. Who's this?"

Roxy gasps as if she'd just swore in church. "You don't know the D-Man? Janey, how could you?!"

You stare at Roxy, surprised. You ... really didn't know anybody knew anything about you. Least of all that they had a pet name for you.

Roxy winks at you, and is then tugging Jane away, ranting on about who you are. You're actually kind of glad she went away to do so, since you still don't want Jake finding out about your relation to Dave.

"Those two are weird, that's for sure." Jake chuckles as he grabs his backpack and digs through it. "They're nice girls though. Not the type I'd consider dating, but ... they're still nice."

This has you curious. "What IS your type?" You ask, then immediately worry that it was too soon in your friendship to ask such a question. But you're reassured a little when he chuckles and looks up from his rummaging at you.

"Well ... I actually have two types. I like the strong type. Outspoken. Brash. Impulsive. Kind of like me, actually! And well ... The other type I like is the quiet type. The type that stays in the background and tries not to draw attention. The kind that's careful and sweet." His expression softens and he smiles.

You like his smile.

He stares at you, and its an extremely tense moment. You wonder what he's thinking, but finally he speaks. "A lot like you, actually."

You're dumbstruck. There were actually people out there who LIKED the ones like you? Despite the oddness of it, you just sort of stare, then look down to hide your face, which feels particularly warm all of a sudden. That's new.

"What about you?"

You look up again, shrugging. "I don't know. I've never really had any friends before, so ... I guess I don't have a type."

"You'll figure it out." Jake says, and gives you that smile you like so much. You give a little smile back, and suddenly you realize you feel better than you have all day.


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, this took so long. I'm sorry everyone! Been so BUSY lately! But I took some time today to finish up this chapter! :3

It's Friday, and the fourth day of you two being friends, when Jake finds out about Dave.

It had started off as a good day. You got up in a relatively good mood, excited for the weekend. School was great too, up until lunchtime. You'd heard rumors all morning about Dave getting into a scrap with one of the few kids in the whole school who disliked him.

Honestly, you were a little worried when Jake didn't show for seconds period, but brushed it off as him just having maybe been picked up by his grandma or something. Maybe he had an appointment he failed to tell you about? You hope that's the case.

You're relieved to catch him at lunch time sitting at your usual table, but you notice a band-aid above his left eye, and his nose looks kind of swollen. You're immediately worried.

"Jake?" You ask as you sit down. He looks up a little, and offers a weak smile. He looks kind of dazed. "What happened? Your nose looks swollen."

"Oh, um ... It's nothing."

An anger rises up in you at the thought that your only friend was being bullied. Your eyes narrow, and you move around the table to sit next to him. "What happened? Who hurt you?"

There's not much you can do about it, and you know that. But you can sure as Hell have a talk with the guidance counsellor. It was kind of weak to go running to the adults, but ... you weren't sure how effective you'd be trying to talk to the guy who hurt Jake. You'd probably be clobbered.

So running to an adult was the next best thing.

"It's really no big deal, Dirk." Jake says, lightly patting your shoulder. "Really. I just got into a fight with some jackass. I gave him a black-eye to remember me."

"But ... Why were you fighting someone?" You ask him, allowing yourself to deflate a little. Your anger isn't really helping him, though you still have every intention to go tell a counsellor.

"I guess you could say we sort of ... Butt heads." Jake murmurs, looking away. "He just rubbed me the wrong way, and I flew off the handle at him."

You nod, and are about to say more when a voice interrupts you.

"English!"

Jake sits up straight immediately, and glares. You turn your head to follow his eyes to the last person you wanted to confront. Your brother. Dave storms over to your table. Your heart drops when you notice his black eye. Oh no ...

"What do you think you're doing sitting with my brother?!"

"Your what?" Jake looks at you, eyes wide, and you shrink back a little.

Dave leans across the table, grabbing Jake by the collar of his shirt. "Look here, you bitch. Stay away from my brother. I don't want you associating with him. He's too good for the likes of you!"

He opens his mouth to say more, but you've heard enough. Everyone in the cafeteria is staring as you rise to your feet and punch Dave in the stomach hard enough that the shock of the blow makes him let go of Jake.

"Leave Jake alone!" You snap, furious not only at the thought of Dave trying to decide who you can and can't talk to, but also because he hurt Jake. You want to believe all that crap about blood being stronger than anything, but right now you want to tell your brother everything you hate about him.

You want to tell him how he just ruined your first real friendship.

Dave looks at you like you've just killed his dog, then glares and makes a sound of indignation, walking away with a hand on his belly. You drop back to your seat, refusing to look at Jake. It's over. He knows. He hates you now.

"That ... Was awful brave of you."

You sigh a little, daring to look up. "Yeah, well, I don't want him to hurt you anymore." Jake's giving you this incredibly fond look. It ... really kind of freaks you out. "Don't you ... Hate me?"

"Hate you?" Jake looks surprised. "Why would I hate you? You just punched your own brother for me!"

"Yeah, my brother! That's the problem!" You look down. "I know you hate him, so I didn't want you to find out we're related in case you hate me too ..."

"Dirk." Jake reaches over, and his fingers find yours. For a moment you just stare at your hands, amazed by how soft but firm his grip is. But then he's talking again. "You're nothing like Dave. I don't hate you."

You give him a little smile. "Thanks ..." You murmur. He nods, releasing your hand. You immediately miss the feeling of his hand against yours, but refrain from grabbing for it. That would just be ... weird.

.:~:.

The rest of lunch goes smoothly. Dave leaves you alone, and Jake seems to start feeling better as the two of you chat. The whole time, you’re rather mystified. It was still hard to believe that Jake didn’t hate you. It really was.

Come the end of the school day, you sit with him as per usual. Nothing has changed, despite the revelation during lunch. You’re happy about that. Really. But at the same time you dread getting home, knowing you’re going to be attacked by Dave the moment you’re off the bus.

It’s that worry that has you fidgety and nervous the whole ride. Jake asks you three times if you’re okay, and each time you just sort of shrug and mutter that you are. He saves you when he goes to get off the bus, though.

“Do you maybe want to come over for a bit?”

You look at him, surprised, but immediately nod. Anything was better than having to face Dave. Grabbing your backpack, you get up and follow him off the bus. The vehicle pulls away again, and you find yourself staring at a nice-looking house. It’s a simple white, but it works.

Jake is already heading up the pathway to the door, and you sprint to catch up. He pulls a key from his pocket and unlocks the door, pushing it open. You jump a little as there’s suddenly a dog jumping up at Jake, all golden fur and wagging tails.

“Hey Neytiri! Hey girl!” Jake says to the dog with a smile, petting her head and ruffling her ears. He lets her run past him, circle around you and sniff at you, then run off into the yard. “She’s a sweetheart.” Jake tells you, and you chuckle and nod.

You head inside, following Jake’s advice to put your shoes by the door or his grandma will smack you with a rolling pin. While Jake waits to bring his dog back in, you look around you. His house smells like apple pie, or cookies, maybe both. You’re not sure. He said his grandma backed, so that made sense.

Everything was a nice ochre, furniture-wise. And the walls were green, just like Jake’s eyes, with some white chairs and sofas in the next room, from what you could see. You decided you liked his house.

After a few minutes of waiting for Jake to bring his dog in, he leads you up the stairs. You follow him to what you assume is his room, amused to find that he’s got posters everywhere, and got books and drawings littered all over the place.

“Sorry for the mess. Usually I’d clean up, but having you over was such short notice.” Jake says sheepishly, but you just shrug. It’s no big deal.

“Jake, do you have parents?” You ask as you go over and sit on his bed. He comes and sits beside you, falling back to stare at the ceiling. There’s a little frown on his face.

“They died in a car crash a year ago.” He tells you, and you immediately feel bad for asking.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” You apologize. He sits up on his elbows, smiling a little.

“It’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it. It’s no good to be all depressed.”

You look worriedly at him nonetheless, frowning as you see his semi-swollen nose. You sigh. “I’m sorry about Dave. He’s not normally so rash.”

“It’s fine. We just don’t get along. Hating him won’t change how I feel about you.”

That makes you feel better, and you smile a bit. “Thanks.”

“No problem, Dirk.”


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really sad chapter here, guys. Just a warning! But it's okay because the next chapter is a lot better!

Your alarm rings and you reach over and slam the device to shut it off. You feel horrible, as if the plague were suddenly upon you. For a moment you debate just going back to bed, but you get up anyway when you remember the only reason you even DO get up in the mornings. Jake. Everything is about Jake recently.

It’s been a full thirty-seven days since you met him, a little over a month. He’s your best friend, and you two get along better than any of Dave and his friends get along. But then, the people pretending to be Dave’s friends are mostly just assholes seeking popularity. For some reason you’ll never fathom, Dave is okay with that.

You throw on a shirt, feeling nauseous, and tug on some pants before leaving the room. Perhaps you’re just hungry. Or thirsty. You really do NOT want to be sick. Things get ... ugly, when you’re sick, and left home alone.

You pass Dave in the hallway but as per usual, he doesn’t even look at you. He’s still mad at you about punching him. Boy, can the kid ever hold a grudge. You head into the kitchen, noting that Derrick is on the phone, frowning as if receiving bad news. He looks at you, frowns further, and walks from the room to continue talking. You wonder if you did something wrong.

As far as you knew, nobody would be calling Derrick about you. Your grades in school were okay, you didn’t skip, you were almost always present ... You get a glass of water, filling it. You’re about to take a sip when Derrick comes back in, looking grim.

“Dirk, we need to talk.”

“I’m not in trouble, am I?” You ask, holding the glass.

“No, it’s ...” Derrick took a breath, looking away, and you knew something was up. Derrick almost NEVER broke eye-contact in conversation. Your mind raced. Jake. Was Jake okay? No, the school wouldn’t call Derrick if something had happened to Jake.

“Your sensei was hit by a car. He’s in the ICU in the hospital.”

Your grip goes slack and you drop your glass, which shatters on the floor, sending water and little glass shards everywhere. Your eyes are wide, and an all too familiar ache is present in your chest. You swallow thickly, unable to move as Derrick was picking up the pieces of the broken glass.

He’d never been too good at comforting, so you didn’t blame him for just awkwardly picking up your mess.

Your nausea rises to the point you have to jump over the mess and dart to the bathroom. You quite literally grab and shove Dave out, who lets out a loud ‘hey!’, and then lock the door. You drop to your knees, and dry-heave hard enough that everything just hurts. Your heart feels like it imploded.

Dave and Derrick are talking in the hallway, but you can’t focus on them past the ache in your chest and the burn in your throat from acid and bile coming up. After a minute you finally seem to be done retching, and you slump forward, shaking, forehead against the seat of the toilet. You don’t even care.

Derrick is suddenly next to you, having unlocked the door from the outside. His hand is on your back, and he’s speaking after a moment. “Stay home today, Dirk. I’ll take you to see your sensei tonight after work.”

You only nod pitifully. You want to cry. This just couldn’t be happening. You and your sensei have a bond. A very special bond, and like everything else in the world, it’s being ripped from you. Derrick is gone a minute later. You stay still until you hear the door close, and the apartment go silent. Only then do you finally rise to your feet, shakily opening the cupboard behind the mirror and grabbing your old friend who always made the pain stop.

.:~:.

You spent more than two hours in the bathroom, first making the pain go away, and then showering. But you stayed in there long after the water turned cold, wanting to feel numb to everything. It didn’t work, but you tried nonetheless.

You were shaking as you finally emerged from the shower, freezing, and went to your room. You collapsed on your bed with your towel, not even bothering to toss it aside. You shut your eyes, swearing you’d only have them closed for a minute.

The next thing you know, Derrick is shaking you awake. You sit up, naked aside from the towel covering your groin, and rub at your tired eyes. You must have been crying in your sleep, because your face is wet with something that isn’t water.

“Get ready, champ. I’ll take you to the hospital.”

Derrick lightly pats your shoulder, and you wait for him to leave before slowly getting up. Your movements feel sluggish, and you feel absolutely drained. What you wouldn’t give to have Jake by your side right now.

As you tug on a black shirt, you wince as the fabric catches the scabs on your forearms. That’s when you remember what you did that morning, and that Derrick was just in the room. If he had seen, you know he would have flipped out. You thank the darkness of your room.

After heading to the bathroom to wrap your arms in bandages under your sleeves, you pull on your previously discarded black hoodie. You need it to help hide your arms.

Derrick is in the living room waiting for you. Dave looks up briefly from his homework, looking half-asleep, waves at you, then goes back to his work. He must have heard the news, or else he’d still be ignoring you. You’re fine with that. You miss your brother, even if he IS usually a dick.

You slip on your shoes and head down to the car.

The drive there is silent. Derrick doesn’t try to start a conversation with you. You don’t blame him. What is there to say? The whole ride you stare out the window. It’s raining, reflecting your mood. Why does it always do that?

The moment you step out of the car at the hospital, your limbs grow cold. There’s a chilling breeze, but the real reason you became cold is because you know this as a place of death. Of pain and sorrow. Hospitals heal people, doctors save lives, but so many die in there too.

You follow Derrick inside, pulling down the hood of your hoodie once the automatic doors shut behind you. You head to the ICU area. Some nurses try to stop you, but a doctor emerges from a room and asks you your names.

When Derrick mentions yours, the doctor sighs.

“Let them pass. Mr. Miyazaki has been asking for a boy by the name of Dirk ever since he became conscious.”

Derrick must have known something like this would happen, because he lightly touches your shoulder and gestures you forward. He’s giving you privacy to talk to your sensei alone.

Your hands are shaking as you slowly head forward and into the room. When you see him, you cringe a little. It must have been a bad crash. He’s got various machines hooked up to him, and it looks like he’s getting a blood transfusion. There are bandages all over him, some of which are a little red. Half of his face is concealed by the white wrapping.

You swallow nervously, approaching him. He opens the one eye that isn’t bandaged, and looks at you. You’re trying to keep a straight face, but you just want to break into tears.

“Don’t be sad, child.” Your sensei says in a raspy voice. He coughs a little. “I will not make the night, Dirk. I’m old, and tired. This is just too much for me.”

“But ...” You start to say, tears coming to your eyes. You need him!

“Do not mourn me. Be happy for the time we had. Although fleeting, I have never trained a student such as you. You are unique, Dirk Strider.” You look down, tears falling.

“Your friend will take care of you now. You and he have a bond as strong as ours, perhaps more so. Your path in life is not decided yet. You have time to change your ways.” You look up a little as he moves his hand slowly, tapping your forearm.

Your eyes are wide and watery.

“Hai, I’ve known.” He says, chuckling. “You cannot hide anything from me, Dirk.”

“W-why ... Why didn’t you ...” You try to ask, but your voice is shaking too much.

“It was not my place. That role belongs to someone else.” He closes his eye, and take a breath. “I am so, so tired.” He murmurs. “You should go, Dirk. I do not wish you to see my final moments.”

You sob quietly, covering your mouth with your hand. Your free hand finds his and lightly squeezes it. “Th-thank you, Sensei. For everything.” You whisper, watching as a small smile comes to his face. It’s then that you get up, walking from the room.

No sooner were you out the door and halfway down the hall did you hear the heart monitor flat-line.


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the most important chapters in the whole story!

You stay in bed for days, unable to will yourself to do much of anything. Derrick doesn’t force you to go to school, and you’re thankful.

That night after you returned from the hospital, you did nothing but cry softly in your room. The next day, you missed your alarm, and Derrick didn’t bother to wake you up. It was a vicious cycle of nothing but self-harm and sleep. You hardly ate, you certainly didn’t talk to anyone.

Except on the morning of the fifth day of you staying home from school.

Your alarm goes off and you get up slowly. You feel drained still, and everything seems to ache. But you had had Jake on your mind all night between fitful sleeps, and you had to as Dave for a favor.

You catch him in the hallway. When he sees you, he stops. “Hey.” He greets as you’re stepping out of your room. “How ya feelin’?”

“Tired. Depressed.” You answer, then sigh. “Dave, I need you to do me a favor.”

“Sure bro. Anything.” Dave leans forward a little, waiting to hear the request.

“Can you tell Jake what happened? And why I’m not at school?”

“No.” He says it so flatly that you flinch a little.

“Please, Dave? I know you don’t like him, but he’s my best friend, and I don’t have his number or anything to call him. He’s probably worried about me ...”

There’s a moment in which Dave just stares at you, before his expression relaxes and he nods. “Fine. I’ll tell him.”

You sigh in relief, and step forward and hug your brother. It isn’t often you do, but right now was about a good a time as any. He pats your back, and you release him, going back to your room.

As you shut the door and go back to your bed, you decide that you’ll go back to school on Monday.

It’s currently Wednesday.

.:~:.

When Dave returns home after school, you’re by the door and ready to greet him. You want to know what Jake had to say about your absence. But to your surprise, when Dave opens the door, Jake is actually with him.

“Take your asshole of a friend. I can’t stand him for another second.” Dave growls, stalking past in a hurry and heading to his room.

You watch him go, then look at Jake, who is frowning, eyes alight with worry. “Are you okay, Dirk? Gosh, I’ve been so worried and when Dave told me what happened I just had to come by after school to check up on you!”

You smile a little, because that was awful nice of him to do. You step aside to let him in, and shut the door behind him. “I’m okay, I guess.” You tell him in a quiet voice.

“You sound awful, Dirk.” Jake says in a voice as quiet as yours, which you’re thankful for.

“I feel awful.”

You lead him to your room and shut the door once you’re both inside. Your curtains are pulled shut, blocking out the light. You sometimes like to brood and live in the dark like a fungus.

Jake turns on the lamp beside the bed, and sits down next to you once you do. “Thanks for coming to see me.” You murmur with a little sigh. “I really needed the company.” It sounded stupid, but it was true, and you wanted to be honest with Jake.

“I don’t blame you. Losing someone is hard. I know. But you just gotta try and stay positive, you know?” Jake offers you a little smile. “I mean, yeah, they’re gone, but you had good times, right? It’s better to cherish those thoughts than to let sadness consume you.”

Your heart begins to swell, and your eyes water a little. You look away. This feeling is different than before though. It doesn’t hurt. What is this? Jake’s still talking though.

“And you know, you’ve got people who care for you.”

Your heart aches. In the strangest of ways.

“You’ve got your brothers.”

Stop it, Jake. Make this feeling stop.

“And me.”

You feel like you’re going to explode.

“And you know I’ll always be here for you, to listen and help in any way I can.”

You squeeze your eyes shut, shaking.

“And- ... Dirk?”

He touches your shoulder, and it feels like almost like he zapped you, but without the pain. “Dirk? You alright?”

You break.

In an instant you’ve lifted your head and wrapped your arms around Jake’s neck and shoulders. Your lips are over his faster than he can say ‘what’. It’s quick, and you’re left to wonder what came over you afterwards, but it made you feel good. It made that horrible ache go away.

“D-Dirk, I ...” Jake is staring at you. You stare back, then look down. But before Jake can say anything more, he suddenly makes a noise and tugs one of your arms free. You don’t realize why he did so until you look at your arm. The sleeve is wet. You must have reopened the cuts you made this morning by hugging him so hard.

Immediately you scramble away, hugging your arms close to your body.

Jake is giving you this look you can’t read. He stays where he is for a moment, then crawls across the bed to you. He lightly grabs your wrist, and you let him. You have no idea what he’s thinking, and it terrifies you. He extends your arm, slowly pulling the sleeve up, and just stares at all the marks there.

Somehow, when you thought you’d be mortified, you feel better about him knowing.

He looks up at you again, and you’re giving him this terrified look because you still don’t know how he’s going to react.

Your answer comes in the form of a slap across the face. It hurts despite not being very hard -you guess he's never really struck a friend before-, but you know you deserve it. “Dirk Strider are you out of your bloody mind?!” He’s practically yelling at you, and you just stare at him in absolutely shock. Not from the slap even, but because he looks so ... angry. “Why would you DO something like this?! You could kill yourself, or contract a disease! You could die of fucking blood loss or get yourself admitted for self-harm!”

You can only stare. You’ve never seen Jake so pent up with rage before. He grabs your shoulders, and shakes you. “You’ve got to stop this, Dirk! Stop it! Your brothers don’t even know, do they?! You never told anyone! Not even me!”

“Jake ...” Your murmur, but he just continues on.

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice the signs! We learn about this every year in school and I just didn’t see it! My best friend has been harming himself since before we met and I didn’t even fucking notice!”

“Jake ...”

“What’s worse is that now you’re dealing with heartache AND cutting! Why didn’t you tell me, Dirk?! I don’t understand! I would have helped you! I-“

“JAKE!”

He goes quiet, staring at you, simmering. You’re shaking as you look at him.

“I-I didn’t tell you because I was afraid!”

“Of what?!”

“I don’t know! That you’d tell someone, or ...”

“I have half a mind to!”

“Or that you’d hate me for being so stupid!”

Jake seems to calm a little at that. “I could never hate you, Dirk. No matter how stupid you are for doing this.” He says softly, which seems odd after his outburst. He sighs, but gets up. “Where do you keep your bandages?”

“Bathroom ... Cupboard behind the mirror.”

He nods, and walks from the room, leaving you to sit there. You seriously wonder if he’s going to come back. But when he does with bandages, a cloth, and peroxide, you can’t help but be relieved. He sits next to you.

“Shirt off.” Jake orders. You comply, too spent to argue at this point. Besides, he was just trying to help. You hold out your arm. Jake’s grip on it is gentle as he holds it in one hand and uses the cloth he’d doused in peroxide to dab at the cuts. You hiss a little at the stinging, but you just clench your fist and bear it.

After a few minutes of this, Jake bandages up your arm, then moves on to your other. Neither of you speak the whole time. Once he’s done and sets the items aside, you just sit there with your hands in your lap.

It’s another few moments before Jake finally moves. He’s tugging you closer to him by your shoulder, and you shift, moving over until you find yourself sitting between his legs, back pressed to his chest. You don’t say anything as his arms slide around your waist and his fingers find yours, capturing them in the spaces between his own.

Your heart skips a beat as a warm, fluttery feeling makes you feel light.

It gets quiet then.

“I don’t hate you, Dirk.” Jake murmurs after a while. “I think it’s dumb what you’re doing to yourself, but I don’t hate you.”

“I’m sorry ...” You whisper, leaning back against him.

“Don’t be. Just promise me you’ll stop, or get help.”

You nod a little. “Okay ... Will you help me?” You ask him, because you honestly doubt you can do it alone.

“Of course I will.” He replies, resting his head on top of yours.

It’s quiet again, and you close your eyes. You’re exhausted, and you feel safe and warm in Jake’s arms. You’re almost asleep, when Jake speaks again. “Hey, Dirk?”

“Mmm?”

“I love you.”

You smile a bit, as you suddenly feel happier than you had in ages. “Really?” You ask.

“Yeah. I’ve sort of known for a while, but I was unsure of myself as well as unsure how you felt. So I didn’t say anything.” Jake’s thumb is tracing patterns over the back of your hand. It’s a really comforting action.

“We kind of had a really crappy first kiss.” You say, chuckling quietly.

“It’s okay. We’ll make up for it later.”

You’re okay with that.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This may be the last chapter, guys. I've done everything I really needed to, and focused on what I wanted. So unless I get some new ideas, this is it. It's been great, and I'm proud of myself for finishing up my first published multi-chapter story!
> 
> BUT!
> 
> Expect a BONUS chapter sometime soon! (Probably today) If you don't know what I mean by BONUS chapter, see the notes at the beginning of the story.
> 
>  
> 
> NOTE: I need an idea on what to write next! If anybody has a thought or an idea they'd like to see written, feel free to contact me! Contact information is on my profile page!

Jake stayed the night. After calling and telling his grandma how important it was, she let him stay for the night. Derrick certainly didn’t mind. The two of you ate dinner, just some pizza, which helped to lift your spirits, and you watched a movie. It mostly just ended up in tired snuggles before you both left halfway through and curled up in your bed.

Your sleep that night was better than it had been in days. But that doesn’t stop you from waking up in the morning, quivering and feeling like shit. You’re about to get up and robotically head for the bathroom, but the arm around your waist both keeps you still and is a constant reminder of your promise.

So you instead roll onto your side to face Jake, staring at his slumbering face. He looks so peaceful, his mouth opened just the slightest bit and his face sort of awkwardly set since he was laying on his arm.

After a moment, you inch forward and kiss his nose, hand moving to rest on his cheek. He shifts a little and honestly you’re expecting to be swatted at, but instead his hand covers yours and his eyes flutter open.

He must have seen the look on your face, because his fingers curl around your hand and he brings it to his lips, kissing it. “What’s wrong?” He asks, voice quiet. No need to be loud this early, it seems.

“I want to do it. So bad.” You tell him, closing your eyes.

“Do what?” Jake asks, sounding confused.

“Cut.”

That’s all you have to say before his arms are around you, tugging you close. You return the embrace, burying your face in his neck. He smells like warm apple cider, and it helps to relax you.

“Try not to think about it.” He says, and you only nod in response. You feel him place a gentle kiss to the top of your head and start rubbing your back. Part of you wants to cry and wonder what you ever did to deserve such an amazing person as Jake, but for now you just enjoy the warmth, the closeness, the affection, and basically everything that is your best friend in the whole world.

The two of you stay that way for an hour or so, until your alarm goes off. You reach to shut it off, but Jake reaches over you and does it for you. Neither of you move. You tilt your head up and place your lips against Jake’s chin. You don’t want to break the comfortable silence, but you have to.

“Aren’t you going to get up for school?”

Jake looks at you like you’ve grown a second head. “Are you kidding? You’re feeling horrible and like cutting. I’m not going anywhere.”

“But your grades-“

“-Will be fine.” Jake cuts you off. “I’ve always been straight A’s, Dirk. Missing a day or two for you won’t ruin that.”

“What about your grandma?”

“She’ll just have to deal with it.”

You smile a bit. Yeah, Jake is definitely the best, willing to defy his only family for you. You snuggle up to him again, but you’re feeling rather energized all of a sudden. So instead of staying where you are, you sit up.

“Dirk?”

“Once Dave and Derrick leave, let’s get some breakfast.” You say, actually feeling pretty good, and a little proud that you didn’t further harm yourself this morning.

“Oh. Sure.”

You go and change really quick, then return to snuggling with Jake until you hear the front door close. Once it does, you look at him and kiss him quickly. “You wanna get up?”

“Yeah.” Your best friend -or are you boyfriends now?- pulls himself to his feet and stretches his arms over his head, yawning.

You wait for him to join you, then take his hand as the two of you head out to the kitchen. After some debate, mostly of Jake telling you you should have a healthy breakfast, he finally lets you eat leftover pizza with the promise that you at least drink some apple juice, which you have an abundance of. Dave loves apple juice.

With nothing else to do after breakfast though, you find yourself sitting on the couch in the living room. It’s quiet for a while before suddenly Jake speaks up. “Um, I don’t mean to possibly be a downer but ... do you maybe want to talk about your friend that died?”

You contemplate it, before finally shrugging. It hurts to think about it. “What’s there to talk about?”

“Well, who was he to you?”

“Oh ... He was my sensei. I was learning martial arts under him. But more than that he was my friend ... I talked to him about everything. Mostly about you, but other things too.”

“Aww, you were telling people about me?” Jake smiles, lightly shoving you playfully. You roll your eyes a bit.

“Shoosh you. You’re my first real friend my age in a long time!”

“Point taken. Continue.”

“Well ... That’s it, actually. I guess there’s not much else.” Your voice drops, and you close your eyes as you lean against Jake. You’re not entirely sure when you ended up in his lap, his arms around you, fingers tracing little patterns on your tummy.

“Well ... Just try and cheer up, okay?” Jake says, and you can tell how much it matters to him that you’re happy. It makes your heart swell a little, and you smile a bit.

“I guess I can try. For you.”

Jake’s hands move to your chin, tilting your head up, and he kisses you. You kiss back, stomach all fluttery. It’s a feeling you don’t ever want to forget. This leads to a make-out session between the two of you.

But eventually you pull away, a little breathless. “So ...” You say. “Are we, y’know, boyfriends?”

Jake laughs. “I thought that would be obvious by now.” He says, and kisses your nose. What is it with him and your nose? You don’t care; you like it. You just smile at him, kissing him again.

It’s at this very moment that you realize you’ve never been this happy. Even after losing someone so important to you. Maybe when you were little and carefree, but that’s so long ago it almost seems like a dream.

Your sensei asked you with his dying wish not to mourn him. And that's what you're going to try to do.

Right here, right now, you feel safe, accepted, and loved.

It feels good.


	9. BONUS CHAPTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter is quite literally just sex!
> 
> IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE IT DON'T READ IT.

You light a candle, humming softly to yourself.

It’s been a year since you and Jake started dating. You’ve stopped cutting completely, and damn do you feel great. Sometimes life sucks, and you want to start up again, but every time Jake is right there, holding you in his arms and reminding you that while painful, the terrible things in life are not permanent.

You’d even moved out of your home with Derrick and Dave and gotten your own apartment with Jake. You both still young, but old enough to take care of yourselves. Besides, as long as you had each other, there was nothing that you couldn’t face.

The two of you had just gotten back from your one-year anniversary dinner, and Jake was taking a shower. It was during that time that you got everything set up.

While hugging and kissing and snuggling were great, you were ready to take things to the next level. Jake had been ready for a long time, you knew that, but like the perfect lover he was waiting for you. He’d never push you into something you didn’t want. You’d had your ups and downs just like every couple, but neither of you had stopped loving the other. Even after the worst of fights, which were rare enough.

You hear the water turn off in the bathroom and you quickly go and shut off the lights, moving to stand near the door. The room was dimmed to a warm, orange glow from the candles.

The door opens and Jake steps in, in nothing but a towel around his waist. He stops in his tracks, however, when he sees the room. His eyes are curious and confused all at the same time. “Dirk?” He asks. You smile as you practically glide up to him and wrap your arms around his neck, kissing him.

“Happy anniversary.” You whisper against his lips when you pull back just enough to speak. You feel Jake smile and he kisses you again. He’s just shaved, you think, since his skin is smooth.

One hand moves to rest on his cheek. For a minute you’re just kissing him, and the next you’re gently grabbing his hand and tugging him over towards the bed. It’s not until you push him to sit down and proceed to take off your too-big-for-you bathrobe that he realizes you weren’t wearing anything underneath. Normally you simply wear the robe because it’s warm.

He’s never seen you naked. You feel sort of guilty, since it’s been a year, but everything at its own pace, right?

His eyes practically rake your body unabashedly. Clearly he has no qualms about seizing this opportunity. You can clearly see it as a shiver goes down his spine, and it makes you feel all warm and fluttery at the thought that your body excites him.

His eyes drop to your groin, and he just ... stares. His jaw sort of drops a bit, and his face goes red. You don’t have to look to know you’re semi-hard just from how he’s ogling you.

But finally he tears his gaze away and looks up at you. “So ...” He says, not sure what else to say. Because honestly, who actually KNOWS what to say when their boyfriend is standing naked right before them?

You decide to break the ice. “I’m ready.” You say in a smooth voice. “I’m ready to have sex with you.”

His eyes light up, and he smiles, getting up to both hug and kiss you, but mostly to pounce on you. He grabs you, and the two of you fall to the bed, with you landing on top of his naked form, towel knocked aside in the movement. He doesn’t give you a chance to think about your positions, however, because he’s kissing you passionately.

One of his hands slides down your back and grabs your ass cheek, and you gasp. He’s fully willing to take that moment to invade your mouth, much like he has many times before. You let him, making a small sound in the back of your throat as you lightly press your tongue against his.

He pulls back eventually, and you’re glad he did. Your chest feels tight with emotion, and you needed to take a deep breath and let it out slow and shuttering. He laughs a little in pure happiness, and you just smile at him.

Jake sits up, taking you with him, and rolls the two of you over so that he’s resting over you. You have no qualms about this. You’d known from the very beginning that Jake would top. It was just a known fact and you never questioned it. Besides, you weren’t sure you had the stamina for such a role.

He leans close to your face and kisses your nose, one of his favorite things to do, you quickly learned, and then uses his nose to lightly tilt your head up. He’s then kissing and sucking on your neck. He loves to leave marks on you. You love it when he does.

His teeth scrape over the most sensitive part of your neck, where it connects with your shoulder. You moan softly, closing your eyes. You feel him shudder. He sits up after he’s left a good amount of marks on your neck, and looks down between you.

Your face flushes. You’re harder than you want to be from such little intimacy. It’s never been this serious before. You always knew that if you didn’t want sex, Jake wouldn’t push you. Therefore you never really got as excited. But you’re here, it’s happening tonight, and you’re anxious as all get out.

Jake chuckles a little, pecking you on the nose before slowly kissing down your chest. Your breathing flutters at the thought that ‘oh God he’s going lower oh God’. His lips find your thigh. You groan since he’s purposely avoiding the main attraction. Fortunately for him, it still feels nice nonetheless.

His hand moves down between your legs, and just the lightest touch against your balls has you moaning and tilting your head to the side. You feel almost lightheaded because wow that’s good. Your fingers curl in the sheets, just for something to hold onto.

Finally, finally, he starts to pay attention to your dick, while not stopping his previous ministrations. First with just small touches. He’s running his fingers all over it, as if he’s trying to memorize it, implant an image in his head. You’re almost mewling like a kitten.

He kisses the tip of your dick, and you shiver. You’ve never felt anything like this before, and you’re not even at the best part yet. And in the next second he’s taken the head into his mouth.

You take in a gasping breath, your fingers tightening in the sheets. It feels so good, and you’re lightheaded. “Nnn, Jake ...” You murmur, wanting to sit up on your elbows but unable to find the coordination to move.

You get the feeling he’s looking up at you, and you want to move back, but your arms simply will not support you. He takes more of you in, as much as he can, and you almost lose it right there. Shit, this is nice. It’s nothing like masturbating, something you seldom do anyway.

He groans a little, and the vibrations in his throat make you let out a wanton moan. “Holy shit.” You breathe. “Oh God, Jake!” One of your hands moves to his head, fingers clutching tightly at his hair. You don’t push against his head; you have the sense not to. You just want to touch him, and feel him. Oh God, you want to feel him.

After another minute or so, Jake finally pulls off of your dick with a little ‘pop’ and sits up. “So, do you by chance have any lube?” He asks, and you’re thankful to have a boyfriend who would think about your comfort and safety first. You nod to him.

“Drawer.” Is all you can manage to say, still pent up from the previous attention you’d been given. You’re practically kneading the sheets, just needing something to do with your hands as Jake crawls over you to get to the drawer in the little bedside table.

You close your eyes, taking a deep breath, and try to center yourself a bit. You don’t want to accidentally lose yourself too early. Jake sits back at your feet. “I’m gonna need you to lift your legs and spread them.” He says, kissing your knee.

You’re a little slow and clumsy as you do so, legs shakily lifting and spreading out. You wonder if it’s enough, but Jake doesn’t say anything so you assume it is. Your eyes are on the ceiling, so you don’t really know what he’s doing until you feel his fingers against your ass. They’re cold, so you jump a bit, but quickly relax.

He’s slow about it, which you will thank him more for later once your voice works. He dips one finger in and you shift a bit, not because it hurts, but because it feels so weird. You’ve never done this yourself either, so this is all new.

“Does it hurt?” He asks, noticing you squirming.

“It’s weird.” You tell him, but nod for him to continue.

Jake offers you a little smile and continues, slowly inserting the rest of his one finger into you. It’s a little painful, and you silently hate how tight you are, but it’s bearable.

You make a small sound, the first positive reaction to this, when he moves his finger a little. He chuckles softly, but you don’t ask what’s funny. He pulls his hand back a bit, starting to add a second finger. THAT hurts. You hiss a little, and he stops. You don’t have to say anything. He seems to know when you’re ready for more. You’ve caught him watching porn before, something you never saw the appeal in, and it’s obvious he knows what he’s doing.

It takes several minutes of this process, stretching you. He decides that two fingers are enough but stretches you enough that he could have added a third. You’ve been letting out moans here and there, once the pain went away, and you’re surprised when you’re suddenly very impatient.

“Jake.” You say. “Come on. Please?”

“You sure?” Jake asks. “I don’t want to hurt you.” His free hand is on your leg, and he gives it a little loving squeeze. You nod at him, managing to sit up on your elbows and look at him.

“Yeah. I’m sure.” You’re not sure if you’ve ever been more certain of anything in your life. But you’re ready for this. You want it. You need it.

“Alright then.” Jake takes his fingers out of you, then grabs the bottle of lube.

When he shifts, you finally catch sight of your partner’s dick and suddenly understand why he had stretched you so much. He’s big. You wouldn’t say huge, but still bigger than you!

Your face goes red but you can’t tear your eyes away. You stare, even as he pours some of the clear, colorless liquid onto his hand and spreads it over his hard penis, which is leaking precum. He doesn’t seem to care, as he instead shifts closer to you and moves your legs a bit more.

He leans over you, kissing you quickly, and then grasps his dick to guide it to your asshole. You try not to squirm, though you’re really just anxious and nervous and excited all at the same time. You’re doing this. It’s happening.

It takes a minute, but finally Jake’s got the head of his dick in you. You tense up on impulse, since it’s just such a new feeling, and hiss as it causes you pain. “Shit ...” You breathe, your arms giving out under you and falling back onto your back.

“Relax.” Jake says gently, hands at your hips. You don’t even care that one of them is sticky as he’s rubbing little soothing circles against your skin. It’s rather endearing to you how he probably doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, doing his best to keep you comfortable unconsciously.

You do relax after a second, and he continues. It goes on like this for several minutes before finally he’s all the way in. You shiver a bit, honestly surprised with yourself for being able to take him all in. But you suppose the preparation helped.

For a few seconds you just lie there, taking in the new feeling and the fact that ‘wow this is really happening holy crap’. Jake hasn’t moved yet. You begin to wonder why when you finally realize that it’s because you haven’t given him the okay. So you hum softly.

“Go ahead, Jake. Thanks.”

“Anything for you.” Jake replies. You almost want to ‘aww’, and you open your mouth to do so. But at the same time as you do, he starts to move. All that comes out is a gasping moan and a little ‘Jake’.

He moves slow at first, but that’s perfectly fine with you. Part of you wants to cry for having the most considerate boyfriend ever. He’s been wanting this for a long time, you know he has, but even now when he knows he could just take you, he’s still going at your snail-slow pace.

It’s that thought that sends you into tears about the time he really starts to pick up the pace. You sob quietly because wow you’ve just got the best and most important person you could ever hope for. The feelings are too much, and the pleasure is even better.

Jake stops, and you feel his hand on your face. “I’m sorry, Dirk! Am I hurting you?”

“No.” You manage to say. “No, it’s nothing like that.” You smile a bit. “Just ... emotions. Continue. Please.”

He leans over you and pecks you on the nose, then shifts into a more stable, comfortable position and grips your legs, moving again. Something’s different now though. With the emotional build-up let out, you feel it more. And God it feels fantastic.

You moan, tilting your head back, fingers tangling in the sheets. “Ahh, Jake, nnn ...” You say, though it’s a little shaky. You’re having trouble focusing on your words. You don’t think either of you care.

His hands let go of your legs, and move around you. It’s like he can’t figure out where to put them. At your hips, on your chest, on your legs, your arms. But it doesn’t seem to be bothering him.

You moan loudly as you feel him hit your prostate, crying out his name. One of your hands somehow find his and you clutch at it, fingers lacing together. You’re so close to being completely done that you just toss your head from side to side, almost yelling.

“Jake, Jake, oh God yes! Jake!” You hear him moan, and it’s like music to your ears. Your eyes are squeezed shut, and you can’t for the life of you open them. You want to see his face, but you can’t. You know when it’s coming, despite having never felt anything like it before. But you just know. Everything starts to feel tight and you’re stuttering. Are you even making sense anymore?

Your free hand moves on its own, fingers wrapping around your dick which feel hot, so hot. You move your hand quickly, just wanting to get that tight feeling to unfurl.

It’s only another minute or two before you finally let go, releasing the sticky white liquid all over your hand and chest. This absolutely massive wave of pleasure hits you like a brick, but there’s no pain. Just beautiful, wonderful bliss. You’ve never felt so complete.

Everything goes white. You’re not sure if you screamed, or cried, or even made a sound. All you know is that in the matter of an instant, you were collapsing limply on the bed. You must have raised up a little in the throws of orgasm.

Jake’s stopped moving. You wonder if he even got off, but when you look up with eyes that didn’t seem to want to focus, and you see his face, you know he did. Part of you wishes you’d been more coherent, but the other part is just too happy to care. You would have liked to see his face, hear his voice, but that just didn’t matter right now. There would always be a next time.

Jake’s head, which is hanging, lifts up a bit and he looks back at you. You smile, because that’s all you can think to do. He smiles back, and moves up over you to kiss you. It’s slow and sensual, a big change from the more fast-paced actions of sex. But you like it. It’s refreshing.

Soon he pulls out of you, slow enough that it doesn’t hurt, and sits up a bit. You follow him, somehow managing to get your limbs to work. He looks at you, and chuckles, then laughs.

“What?” You ask, baffled.

“Looks like we’re both going to need a shower.”

You look down, and you see the sticky mess on you. With a little laugh and smile, you nod. “Yeah, I guess we do. Bath?”

“Bath.”

Jake stands up and helps you to your feet. Your legs are shaky. Before either of you go anywhere though, he kisses you again. “Happy anniversary to you too.” He whispers, and then he helps you to the bathroom.


End file.
